Dr Grizbor Tznucq JD, DVM, DDS

Dr Grizbor Tznucq JD, DVM, DDS

Friday, May 28, 2010

Sarah Palin's Spiritual Quest

My associate Dr. Jerome H. Dean and I have been following an interesting thread that appears to lead to a large ball of metaphorical yarn concerning Sarah Palin's exploration of inner space.  First of all, the drug rumors are false, every one of them, even the one about her trying to take on a female grizzly with a litter of cubs while on LSD and meth.  We've interviewed many residents of the Wasilla Metro Area and determined that when she took on the female grizzly she had consumed three cups of coffee and a Snickers bar. 

The trepanning rumor is more substantial.  Trepanning is piercing the skull to expose the brain.  Throughout the existence of humanity as a tool using species people have made holes in their skulls.  At a prehistoric burial site in France dated at approximately 6500 BCE, 40 of the 120 skulls unearthed by archaeologists had trepanation holes.  In many societies trepanning was done to release evil spirits from the body.  In others it was done to allow people freer access to the spirit world. 

Dr. Dean and I were originally following the trail of a Maltese healer who spent time in Alaska during the 1980s and '90s.  We discovered that Heroztn Qrztlb, a self-styled magician and spiritual guide from Malta, practiced in Alaska under the name Ed Smith.  Palin was a member of his congregation at the Wasilla Assembly of Evangelical Warriors.  It was there that Orztlb introduced his Alaskan followers to trepanning.  Alvin McCutcheon, a Wasilla fisherman, said "Pastor Ed got me to drill a hole in my skull.  He used a 18 volt lithium ion powered  Makita with a Forstner bit to make the hole after piloting it with a standard 3/8" bit.  Pastor Ed told me I'd be able to talk to God after he drilled me.  I'm not sure.  I know I saw colors."  McCutcheon said that Sarah and Todd Palin also submitted to the procedure. 

McCutcheon said "That Sarah always had a mouth on her but after Pastor Ed drilled her she was a different person.  All of a sudden she talked about seeing Russia from her mud room and it was about then that she took on the female grizzly.  It was awesome.  She ripped out its throat with her teeth and fingernails.  'Course she was wearing some pretty sturdy acrylic nails at the time but even so it was a sight to see.  That bear didn't stand a chance.  She ate its heart raw--just ripped it out of its chest and chowed down."

Dr. Dean and I haven't completed our Alaskan researches.  McCutcheon is the first subject we've conducted extensive interviews with.  We expect to interview twenty to thirty more members of Qrztlb's congregation before we're done.  


  1. Hmmmm... I dunno if it let air in or out of her head, but I'm pretty sure if you looked in that hole all you'd see is the opposite side of the skull.

  2. Dr. Dean once was the subject of a headline that said "X-Rays of Dean's Head Show Nothing."